PAX IMAGO'S QUEST FOR FANTROLLS

[trueBug]

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Wow! A reader! I am so delighted you’re here. Hello! I am PAX IMAGO, the humble hemimetabolous harlequin. Welcome to my domain.






It’s kind of a blank void right now, but that’s because I haven’t earned the right to create a TRUE AUTHORSPACE yet.

An author is nothing without a story to tell and readers to read it. That means I’m just some random schlub on the Internet right now. Until I’ve shared some of the BIG ADVENTURE I have been working on, I’m stuck here in Whitespaceville.






This would normally be the part where we get into the exposition… but you are my guest here, and I would much rather be a good host before we get started. Do you need a place to sit? Something to eat or drink? Let me draw you up some refreshments and a cozy spot to rest those e-legs. What would you like?

[Aeroplane]

Gimme a beer, a pack of condoms, a big box copy of Duke Nukem 3D, and 28 and a half strippers

[lavendersiren]

a cookies and cream milkshake would be nice

[trueBug]

> Ask and ye shall receive.

Certainly, I would be happy to serve y— hold on what the fuck







What the hell is this? Are you trying to mess with me? What in the king of the sam hill fuck do you think you’re doing, asking me for something like that in a place like this?







Do you think this is some kind of locally-owned game trading post two blocks away from campus? What in God’s holy name is your problem?

No. No! Absolutely not! No collectible gaming paraphernalia for you! If you really want a big box edition of Duke Nukem 3D so badly, haul your ass over to Ebay and get it your own god damned self.







Anyway, here are your strippers. I don’t really understand why you need 28-and-a-half of them. But I am here to serve within reasonable limitations, not judge.







And here are your condoms. I hope they suit you. As per the terms of a certain contract I am under, they are the only brand I can offer in this establishment. Gotta get my sponsorship deals from somewhere.

Now all that’s left to take care of are the actual refreshments. Are there any more requests before I begin?

[Aeroplane]

Yes, I would like to have the joy of a grandfather holding their grandson for the first time, preferably encased in a mason jar, but a Ziploc bag will also do.

[trueBug]

> Obtain refreshments.

Alright, time to get my serve on!







First we have a nice, malty, frothy OATMEAL STOUT fresh off the tap. You did not specify what kind of beer you wanted, so I am giving you one that’s actually good. Don’t come crying back to the bar demanding an IPA, please. I am never going to serve an IPA here. IPAs are sour bullshit for cows who want to drink liquid cud.


And then we have a COOKIES AND CREAM MILKSHAKE. Excellent choice. You can’t ask for a better mix-in than those chocolate sandwich cookies, I would say.







Finally, we need… a mason jar of grandfatherly bliss?

Aw, fuck.







Here’s the thing. The best way to serve up some grandfatherly bliss is to extract it fresh off of the grandfather the very instant he gets to hold that grandson of his for the first time. And I am a stickler for quality. I don’t want to just draw up a cheap imitation of a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

If you really want this, I would have to go out and get it for you.







This is supposed to be Pax Imago’s Quest For Fantrolls, not Pax Imago Goes On Errands. I have a BIG ADVENTURE to start! I really do! I’ve been working on it for months now, you know? And I need to gather a bunch of fantrolls and other fan characters crafted by readers like you to make it work as intended!!

But you are the reader here, and I have to respect the role you play in this story. So you tell me what should happen next here.

Should I COMMENCE MY QUEST FOR FANTROLLS? Or should I GET SIDETRACKED BY SOME BULLSHIT ERRANDS?

[Aeroplane]

ERRANDS! ERRANDS! ERRANDS!

[lavendersiren]

Let's get to teh fantrolls nao

[Hareofhrair]

Now, you seem like a fella of a clownly persuasion, you got that look about ya, so you might be interested in meeting my little pal Popahv here.



And he’d be just tickled lavender to make your acquaintance I’m sure.

But iffin ya feel that’s one clown too many— which is fair! I’m of the opinion there’s no such thing as too many clowns but I recognize I am in the minority in this matter— I also have a deadbeat transient stoner kickin around in the back, stinkin up my linens with skunk weed and playin crass music at all hours a the day and night, could stand to entertain themselves with a more useful occupation. Pick yer poison.

Unless, upon further review, I have entirely misread the situation, in which case, please disregard and go about yon errands.

[trueBug]

ERRANDS! ERRANDS!

Okay, I’m back! Man oh man, did I have a lot to get done! Not only did I procur that JAR OF GRANDFATHERLY BLISS (which took weeks, by the way), I also finally got around to doing a number of important things I had been putting off for months. Some of it was necessary for my long-term health, and some of it was to ensure I am fully prepared to start this BIG ADVENTURE.

Looking back, I regret procrastinating on these things for so long. I guess it’s a millennial thing. We get tangled up in these silly cycles of self-sabotage, and we decide to enjoy it instead of deal with it. That’s how we invented memes. Eat your heart out, Richard Dawkins.

Anyway…

Let’s get to the fantrolls now.

A young fantroll stands in my domain. It just so happens that today, the 12th of November, is this fantroll’s CREATION DAY! In the very same instant they were given life, they shall also be given proper terms of address. What shall this fantroll’s NAME and PRONOUNS be?

Author's Note

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There is now an MSPFA mirror!

[trueBug]

Enter name and pronouns.

Your name is CHIRIN ELAION. As previously stated, you are a FANTROLL: an original character derived from the hit multimedia webcomic HIVEBENT. If you recall correctly the comic has some humans in it too, but who gives a shit about them? There are more troll characters than human characters in the story, so of course that means the trolls are the most important part of the story. It’s basic statistics!

The problem is, you never actually got to be a part of that story. That’s what makes you a “fan” troll instead of a troll. Even though some of you have exponentially more words written and pictures drawn for you than there ever were for the “official” characters, none of you are considered WITHIN CANON.

Instead, you are seen as an imitation troll. An impostor, borrowing a set of stylistic cues from a copyrighted franchise. This will never change unless your creator ponies up $13,679.32 (adjusted for inflation) and wires it directly to A CERTAIN CLOWN who, whether they like it or not, is ultimately the one responsible for your existence.

How much bullshit is that? A LUDICROUS AMOUNT OF BULLSHIT, that’s what! You know it, and so do the thousands upon thousands of fellow fantrolls who were created before you.







But today is not only your creation day. It is also an anniversary. On this very day, thirteen years ago, THAT VERY SAME CLOWN penned the PROPHECY which defines your purpose.

One way or another, this prophecy is going to come true. Even if it involves taking matters into your own hands. Even if it means violating some intellectual property rights.







You would do anything to become canon.







Anything.

[wolfkitty42]

PAX IMAGO, do u take fancherubs? do u take fancherubs of Memetic Qualities? if so.... MWAHAHHA!

[trueBug]

Reader: Ask Pax if zie takes fancherubs.

Really? A fancherub? This early in the game? Goodness. Your initiative and enthusiasm are admirable, but I’m afraid you’ve offered up that character a bit too early!







Here’s the working list of species you can expect to see in this story, arranged roughly in the order you can expect them to appear. Until the Quest for Fantrolls concludes and we move onward to the BIG ADVENTURE, it’s trolls only. After that, you’re going to have to wait quite a while for the opportunity to bring a cherub in.

Do you have enough patience to make it to that day? Only you can decide.







I’ll admit, there’s a PARTICULAR ORIGINAL SPECIES I would be thrilled to bring in, but I am not going to do that without their creator’s permission. Maybe I can get ahold of that author someday.

Until then, it’s time for my fantroll to get ready for her quest: to FIND ELEVEN MORE FANTROLLS WHO WISH TO BECOME CANON.

[trueBug]

~>

To aid you on your quest, and to celebrate your CREATION DAY, I am going to give yAAAAAAAAAAAGH







What in the— hey, now! Are you trying to finish my darling Chirin’s adventure before it even truly begins?? They’re supposed to have a transformative journey out in HOMESTUCK PLANE of the FANDOMENSION, making friends and discovering their INTERESTS along the way. That can’t happen if all the fantrolls I need just get dumped directly into my home! Besides, none of these possess THE DESIRE TO BECOME CANON. While they are lovely designs, they’re as good as props without a SKILLED ROLEPLAYER to bring them to life.

That’s what I’m looking for, people! I’m looking for roleplayers! Ugh, maybe I should have spelled that out from the start. I’ve pretty much been RPing myself here since the first page of this adventure, so I thought this was obvious. My Quest for Fantrolls needs one fantroll of each canon blood color, whom Chirin will find in their travels through the Fandomension. Check my ADVENTURE INFO or the first post of my FORUM THREAD to see which ones already have players. Keep in mind that I’m only allowing ONE troll per player.

All that said, I do appreciate the donation. I’m sure I can put these trolls to use eventually. Chirin, why don’t you head outside while I draw up some storage for these fellows? Your CREATION DAY GIFT is waiting for you just a little ways past the door.

Chirin: Go outside.

As you close the door to your creator’s domain behind you, you are greeted by a beautiful, majestic E-HORSE.

All you kids who were born with smartphones in your hands have no idea what an e-horse is, but those of us who were on the Internet during the dialup days could never forget them. They were our trusted virtual companions back when the World Wide Web was still a wild frontier ripe with unknown possibilities.

Now they are a dying breed. It’s heartbreaking. I’ve partnered up with the E-HORSE CONSERVATION INITIATIVE to keep these noble creatures alive. I now bequeath my finest electric stallion to you, trusting that it will be in good hands.

What shall the name of this e-horse be?